Jess’s Suggestions for Top-Notch Laptop Use
I’m no expert, but I sit in front of a computer all day, so here are my suggestions, à la Dave Letterman:
10. Make sure you have a high-speed Internet connection.
9. Buy a computer with a built-in video camera so you can Skype with your video-enabled friends and family.
8. Tell your video-enabled friends and family that you’d rather not see up their nostrils. Before you both log on.
7. Buy a USB or Bluetooth mouse and turn your touchpad off when you have the table space to use the mouse. (If your computer is new enough to come with that option.) It keeps you from bumping the touchpad, which makes the cursor of another sentence jump around, which makes you type half a sentence in the middle. (Darn it!)
6. Quit taking photos of yourself using the built-in camera!
5. For maximum pleasure, sit in a yuppie Boulder coffee shop with other yuppie Boulder laptopers, most of them wearing Spandex. Travel with lots of USB devices and headphones. Plug your computer into the wall, plug all your devices into the computer, and get busy doing important things like checking the weather while you watch it snow through the big coffee shop windows.
4. If you have kids, make sure to have a blog or photo gallery account with at least three hundred pictures of them. Insist that it’ll only take a minute to fire up the laptop and log into the forty-five pictures of Billy’s second birthday party, including a 365° view of him blowing out the candles and mashing cake all over himself.
3. Work everywhere you go. Weekends, evenings…we’re American, after all!
2. Spend plenty of time with your husband/wife/life partner. This is very important to a strong relationship. Make sure to occasionally smile across the glowing screen of your laptop and read a few sentences from whatever extremely specialized document you’re perusing. Pretend to yourself that your sweetie is paying attention to the amazing new Linux platform or poem scansion you’ve discovered. Feel the connection of true love. (Quickly, before his or her eyes dart back to the screen!)
AND FINALLY,
1. Always travel with your system administrator. Show her/him any virus messages that pop up, and feel free to make unreasonable demands. Also feel free to offer her/his services to any friends, colleagues, or random people on the street. (“Seriously, s/he likes to spend every waking minute of the weekend working on other people’s computer problems!”)